Back in Blag

After almost 5 years of starting this blog (and completely forgetting about it over the past 4 and a half years), I sat down to read what I had written. I thought the few articles written previously were really funny and decided I should continue. 5 years is a long time and from a blog that was mainly centered on ridiculing cricket I felt I had to branch out. So I picked the next best thing to mock - Arsenal FC. This is an article on why I will always be an Arsenal fan

For those who do not know about Arsenal FC, Arsenal is a football club that plays in the top division of English football, the English Premier league. They have a manager called Arsene Wenger and if you watch them play football more likely than not you will find them making arses of themselves on the field

Arsenal’s performance in the premier league has been a lot like mine or any average student’s throughout their academic careers. It involved a lot of complacency for most of the year and like how I would burn the midnight oil just before my final exams, to ensure I do not get held back, Arsenal have always pulled through and managed a finish in the top 4.

Arsenal, over the past have never been a complete team. There has always been one idiot (read Mathieu Flamini) to hold them back and ensure they do not make any impact in the world class level and I don’t want to name names, but I’m sure everybody has had that one happy go lucky friend who prioritizes beer over books. If you have never had such a friend, then more likely than not, you are that friend and if you are that friend then stop being a Mathieu Flamini you moron! But Arsenal have also always had a saving grace as well,  Thierry Henry, Cesc Fabregas, Robin van Persie to name a few, who have carried the burden of the team on their shoulders to ensure they secure a champion league berth, so betting websites can give them ridiculous odds like 20-1 of winning the cup. Those are the same odds Milos Raonic has of winning the Wimbledon and if you want to throw your money away on a Milos to win the Wimbledon, you might as well do it on this guy. And Just like Arsenal have their go to guy, so do I. A friend whose room I would barge into at the 11^th hour and entrust him to drill enough subject matter into my head to carry me through to the next year. Again if you do not have that friend, most probably you are that friend and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being that friend and getting me to where I am today. Where I am is not as important as where I am not and where I am not is college a place where I would still be if not for those friends.

Mathieu Flamini performing one of his signature challenges on an opponent

Arsene wenger is most popularly known for ‘crying’ in his post-game press conferences. He is never hesitant to blame the referees, opposition players for playing dirty; basically he has a myriad of reasons for Arsenal’s lacklustre performances. And Wenger’s post-match press conference is tantamount to my parents asking me why I messed up, and Just like Wenger has his reasons to placate us naïve Arsenal fans I have my justifications ready as well, ‘The paper was hard’, ‘This teacher hates me and is out to make my life miserable’ etc. Occasionally though Wenger admits that his team put together a below par performance and so do I for not studying. But undoubtedly the best thing about Arsene Wenger is that he can lower your expectations without you even realizing it. When times look most bleak for the Arsenal, he digs deep and puts together a series of good performances ensuring Arsenal reach the top 4. These series of events essentially change the Arsenal fan from a person who at the beginning of the year expects a trophy to a person who is exalted just to know that his team has finished in the top 4. And out comes the banner “In Arsene we trust”

So listen up all you Arsenal fans, next time you complain about Arsenal, introspect; ‘is your way of life in any way different from the Arsenal model?’, ‘were you never proud of your mediocrity?’ In conclusion Arsenal is just like you or me, all they need in a second chance for the 100^th time. So forgive them this season and be prepared to forgive them the next season and the next season and for the rest of your lives. #COYG

P.S Here are a few things Arsenal can learn from engineering colleges in India

• If matches played are commensurate to classes attended then every Arsenal player should have at least 75% attendance else they will be sold to a division 2 team. A feasible solution to solve the ubiquitous injury crisis that plagues the team

• Just like in college, if the nerds of the class are not present, it’s highly unlikely the rest of the class will. So when Ozil, Sanchez, Giroud and Cazorla are not playing, the rest of team need not play as well and can opt to ‘mass bunk’ the game, saving the fans a lot of time and giving an opportunity for something else to disappoint them that week

• And finally if an exam is hard, like a diligent college student, give up on studying for it and pray your invigilator is a nice guy. So the next time Arsenal is playing Chelsea, instead of practicing hard or spending hours on prior preparation try getting Thierry Henry to be the referee instead

Cricket or how it learnt to stop worrying and shamelessly sold itself

The 12th season of IPL kicks off next week. The teams opening the game will be Rajasthan 'Eveready' Royals versus Chennai Super 'Ambuja Cement' Kings. We are two hours from the Pepsi 'My can opening ceremony. This opening ceremony will go on for 7 days with 6 and a half days dedicated to our sponsors and half a day for the actual event. With 2 hours to go we have a set of revised rules for our 'John Players' and commentators.

1) While appealing for a leg before wicket instead of a howzaaaat, the players must say Gatoraaaaaaade!

2) Every batsman's bat must have more sponsors than an average F1 car or he can be banned for up to 2 matches. (One more mind numbing job for the third umpire: zooming in on the face of the bat and zooming out in a continuous loop. Zooming in and zooming out will continue for the next 10 minutes, so the big screen can finish showing all its sponsors).

3 Some of the cricketers have been bought over by corporates and have officially changed their name;

1) Sachin "Amaron Batteries" Tendulkar, lasts long... really long

2) Rahul "J K Cement wall" Dravid

3) Air India presents, Maharaj Singh, formerly known as Yuvraj Singh. Yuvraj Singh will now grow a moustache and wear a turban

(MSPaint has its limitations)

4) Mahendra 'cello pens' Dhoni; sorry, he is now Mahendra 'Pepsi' Dhoni; this just in he is Mahendra 'Candyman' Dhoni. The cricketers are selling themselves so fast, it is really hard to keep up.

7 DAYS LATER

Live from the chinaswamy stadium

Rajasthan Eveready Royals have won the Coca Cola bottle cap toss and elected to bat. The team will be given some time to plan thier strategy

5 Strategic time outs later

The bowler delivers the first ball, he starts off with a bouncer, and the batsman has suffered a nasty injury there. He seems to be bleeding; this injury is brought to you by Heinz tomato ketchup "If it is red and thick and not blood, its Heinz tomato ketchup."

While the batsman is treated, the teams will take some more strategic timeouts

More timeouts later

Because of lack of time for strategic time outs our key sponsors will decide the winner.

Day 2

A new day and 2 fresh teams will face each other in the Cuttack stadium. The bottle cap toss is won by Sanath “Aviva retirement plans” Jayasurya, and has elected to bat.

The teams shall be given some strategic timeouts for them to plan their strategy for today’s game

We advice all our viewers to buy a minimal TV size of 70”, so they can allot at least 20” to watching the actual match.
Here is a preview of what a cricket match will look like



If you can closely observe on the top right corner of the screen, you can observe a green spot. That was a still image after the bowler bowled a dot ball, the most uneventful ball in the game. The number of advertisments increase as the excitement increases

FEW HOURS LATER

The bowler delivers; it’s a no ball, the batsman gets a free hit, this time the regular cork ball will be replaced by a cosco ball because “no ball is better than a cosco ball”

IT STARTS RAINING

While the pitch is being covered, we would like to thank lord BALAJI for his blessings. You can also get your fair share of blessing if you donate money to the following address. Yes, Tirupathi is also a major sponsor in this event

#20, ...
....
Tirupathi

Such shameless advertisements go on for 30 days, finally the day the fans, I’m sorry the Crompton Greaves fans have been waiting for: the grand finale.

Since we do not have time for the actual game the match will be decided by the coca cola bottle cap toss

Thus ends another glorious season of IPL , we cannot thank our sponsors enough for making this event such a big success.

Last Action Hero

Some Narrator: Welcome to first in a series of interviews of "So you think you are cool". Here is your host Otm Shank, and I’m some guy they hired. Otm Shank started his TV career as a joke on the hit TV show "The Simpsons". After his short-lived success(5 minutes), he was addicted to his new life as a "STAR". Let us see what he accomplished after his days on the simpsons . Here is my interview with him which was shot last month.

SN: So Otm how have you been holding up these days.

OS: Not so good, after the simpsons, my life got worse by the day. 5 divorces in 10 months, Community service, appearing on the Conan O'Brien show, that was the worst of all.

SN: What have you been up to after the simpsons.

OS: Well, TV is a lot like Arsenal FC scoring a goal. Short-lived success .

SN: You still haven’t answered my question Otm.

OS: Well, i won an emmy for outstanding supporting actor for my role as otm shank. Then i gave up the award to pay for my divorce with my third wife.

SN: Here have mine; anyone can get an emmy these days. Now could you please get back to answering my question?

OS: Then my life took a plunge, no TV show wanted me, not even FRIENDS! So I tried ways and means to appear on TV. I went to a cricket match dressed up as a crazy person, so the camera man would shift his focus on to me, I was a sensation again, and then came those cheerleaders DAMN THEM!



Then i stooped to the lowest possible level in the history of the TV buisness. I went from a recurring character on the Simpsons to appearing on the lamest possible show on cable TV, "ROADIES", oh it was Agony.



SOB SOB.. This interview is over (beats up camera man)

FIN

SN: Here is Otm Shank folks, hoping to get back into the TV business by hosting the least viewed TV show ever.

OS: India has produced many great action movie's.... NOT!!

OS: But India has produced great actors. Our guest today is a "superstar" who has defied all laws of physics. He can even change time space continuum, if he has any idea what it is. His movies make Lord of the rings look like a true story. I sometimes wonder why Adidas picks Tendulkar rather than him for their brand ambassador, because for this guy "Impossible Is Nothing". I finally seem to have run of more adjectives to describe this bullet stopping heart surgeon, who single handedly brought down the political system of India and abolished corruption in his movies. Here is Tamil actor Vijaykanth. While Vijaykanth lugs his burly and yet extremely flexible body to the stage, here are some of his works that has made him the star he is.


Vijaykanth Vs Bullet



Vijaykanth Vs Electricity



Otm Shank: Is there anything this man can’t fight. Here is Vijaykanth in a once in a life.... What! he is not here yet? How long can a man take to cover 20 meters? Let’s play some more related videos, hopefully he will get here by then.

"FEW MORE ABUSES LATER"

Otm Shank: Finally, folks we have Vijaykanth, was it worth the wait. This interviewer definitly dos’nt thinks so.
So Mr Vijaykanth what are you up to these days?

Vijaykanth: I am shooting a new movie.

OS: What is this movie about?

VJK : I am a bullet stopping heart surgeon, who brings down the political system of India single handed and also abolish corruption in the process. That is the gist of it Otm.

OS: So what is new about this movie?

VJK: Its basically the same story except we changed the hero's name from surya to captain surya, genius isn’t it?, also this time our "tuppaki" can carry 7 rounds instead of six and I can take 8 rounds to my chest rather than 7, so the running time invariably increases to 5hrs 30 mins from just 5 hours.

OS: But I have never ever seen you reload your gun.

VJK: There are many reasons for that.
1) I use only knives and other weapons invented in the stone age
2) I’m always shot at, I never shoot
3) I’m going to let you in on this little secret, any gun you seen in my holster is fake

OS: Same old man same old crap.
Do you have any other ideas planned for the future, like politics for instance?

VJK: Politics! that is a brilliant idea. I have all the characteristics, keeping false promises, a nice burly body and finally i have a use for the white shirt i am wearing. "To the VMobile" humming (tananana tananana VIJAY. Tananana tananana VIJAY) Vijay exits stage.

disclaimer The VMobile is not a copied from the bat moblie as it has a holster instead of a cup holder.
Airbags not included.

OS: What an abrupt ending to such a pointless show.

OS: I'll be sigining off now, dont forget to see our next episode starring Ben Affleck telling us about his new movie "How Gay is my hairdo"

SN: If you liked otm shank's worthless one dimensional role. SMS OTM to 742742

A day in the life of a commentator

The ICC has been struggling to get new commentators, their latest being Ravi Sastry. It is because of bad a selection system. The ICC picks Retired("Poverty Stricken") cricketers .Most of them being Indians, because we just lack the capacity to watch a game without making any remarks. Here is a fool proof system of getting the perfect commentator

First the written test

This is a MUST KNOW for all commentators, useless statistics, because this is the only thing more boring than the game itself. The written test will consist of 20 questions which are purely knowledge based. Here are some of the questions that appeared.

1. Name the cricketer who has scored most number of centuries other than Sachin tendulkar, Ricky ponting, Adam gilchrist, Sanath Jayasurya............ Rahul Dravid, whose debut was between the years 1988 – 1998

2. Who was cricketer who scored the fastest century by hitting less than five boundaries.

3. What was the highest 5th wicket partnership that was broken by getting a batsman run out.

4. Which was the first cricketer to take 200 wickets despite bowling only 20 maiden overs.

5. How can you commercialize IPL even more than it actually is( Extra credit).

6. Who was the non striker when muralitharan got his 700th wicket.

……

These pointless questions go on and on.

Round two

Group discussion

This system of filtration consists 10 groups containing 10 members each, playing word building consisting of cricketers and cricket terminologies. This is what happened in one of the groups. The contestants are given numbers and are referred to by their numbers and not their names.

All numbers appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real numbers, natural numbers or whole numbers living or dead, is purely coincidental

1: lets start from A - Alistar Campbell

2: L – Leg before wicket

3: T – Tail ender

4: R- Rattled the stumps

5: S- Seam

6: M- Middling the ball

This contest can go on for days months and sometimes even years on end, before there is a clear winner. The judges (retired umpires) still think, it is more interesting than viewing a test match.

Round 3

Grand Finale

A commentator must always justify a batsman’s shot, if the ball reaches the boundary line or support the bowler even if the batsman throws his wicket away in the dumbest possible way .Here the finalists will be shown cricket bloopers like hit wickets, easy catches dropped, and the 2 finalists who justify it the best will replace Ravi Shastry in the next Indian test series and hopefully replace commentator Radhakrishnan srinivasan (the guy on the right) forever

Here is how the event turned out

1 A batsman throws his bat, over his head and onto the stumps

Justification: The ball pitched on the rough and surprised the batsman causing him to change his shot at the last moment, gem of a delivery, we saw from the start of the spell that the bowler was looking for the rough, finally he has found it and it has rewarded him with a precious wicket

2 A Fielder drops a sitter

Justification: The dew on the grass has settled on the surface of the ball, causing it to slip.

3a when a batsman misses an easy ball which could have been hit for a six, even by a beginner

Justification: The bowler is trying to make the batsman play, the swing has totally deceived him (then the commentator requests a series previous dismissals of the batsman getting dismissed to be played)

3b the very next ball pitches in the same slot (thanks to hawk eye we can actually prove it) and this time is dispatched for a six

Justification: He gave him far too much room there, the batsman picked his slot waited and smashed it to the boundary

4 When rahul dravid defends a full toss at the 47th over

Justification He is looking to “Carry the innings” he has done the smart thing, he wants to play till the end and see his team through (despite the fact that there are 9 other still to bat waiting to dispatch any ball to the boundary)

And finally after these rigorous exercises we have a perfect commentator to commentate for the most imperfect, flawed, filled with a million rules “SPORT” watched by exactly a Billion people(mostly Indians, Pakistanis and Australians who get free passes)